song of the day: Breathe, by Moist.
another song of the day: the Zephyr song, by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

it occurs to me that a disproportionate amount of time, in my last blog, was spent on something to do with sneaking dumplings into my mouth...

yesterday, zhe pointed out to me that only me, her and like one other person in our class remain the only single girls - without significant other, without boyfriend, without potential future husband. i'm not sure i really have a problem with that, except that it makes marriage and having a family seem like such as unfeasible, faraway thing at the moment, and from time to time i suffer from a pang of loneliness because there's just no place to put the extraneous build-up of Affectionate or wanting Affection, and then you end up listening to wistful songs on some nights, wanting to just bear it out alone, with a couple of fudgsicles! and maybe i rather like this stage - without any attachments, without doing the horrible thing of settling down. But then it leads me to wonder...just WHY are we single? and i can't quite decide if it's one big thing or a few small things. maybe we're picky. maybe we're searching or waiting for something too unrealistic, too ideal, and non-existant, in true Ally McBeal mode. thus, simultaneously, there may be many and many potential significant others around us, and we may just be non-receptive, being very narrow-minded, not giving each a fair chance. we may not see it, although the chance dangles in front of your nose everyday. perhaps it's timing. that one, is, i think, very important (i have this whole "Gear Theory" about people and friendships and relationships). perhaps i just feel incredibly young, and the thought of a relationship (a serious one) rather frightens me - being inextricably tied to someone - such that i'd rather have a relationship that was never "declared" at a very specific point in time as "now we are going out". my feeling at the moment is that it would be nice if some things were left unsaid, but knowingly assumed. an unsaid understanding. i've always wondered and worried about what it is that people find so attractive in each other. it's so strange! and all this pondering ultimately leads me to a futile dissection of what makes up a personality, an aura - is it the soul? is it brain chemicals? is it our synapses? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!! why do i like certain people and not others? and why do i like the different people that i like?

It baffles me that a single person would want to marry me, and it baffles me that i might find a single person that i would want to marry. how precious it is to pledge your lives to each other! i suppose, in the end, there exists a feeling that quashes all the doubt - something so much stronger, whatever type of love and attraction it is, such that when it occurs, whether slowly or quickly, you say "ah!" and you feel that you've arrived in a new place. my grade 12 English teacher, at his wedding, read a poem to his new wife, e.e. cummings' "somewhere i have never travelled", and before reading this poem aloud (that made tears well up in me and kate's eyes), he said it was a long time before he could read this very poem to someone - and then he read it to his wife.

sigh. at the present time, there's nothing a little ice cream can't fix...