ugh - it's a rainy, cold, sunday afternoon. it's almost February, and i'm just trying to get through my clinic requirements...i'm just doing the work, doing what i can, minding my own business, not getting involved or paying attention to the hysterical-ness and outburst-inducing cloud of weariness and cutthroat meanness that seems to be rearing its head in our school from time to time. People have really changed right before my eyes, and in some cases it's a predictable change, others - an unexpected one. one definitely sees people for who they are - and it's silly if they think they can maintain two faces. Most people think that Dr. Phil's a quack, but I think if you're what he calls "self-actualized", you're able to switch from a mode of self-centeredness and self-preservation disguised as self-righteous and perceived deservedness to one of altruistic, progressive, and positive collegiality. How would you sleep otherwise? Anyway, that's an ideal world where everybody has reached that kind of a pinnacle in their lives, and unfortunately its not a constant temporal rite of passage at age 17, but can occur at virtually any time, including never. oh well. it's harder than i thought to stay positive and even-keeled when everyone around you is so frought with worry and their first instinctive reaction is a position of defensiveness and self-pity and accusation. it wears you down, you know?

anyhow. nothing a good plate of chocolate cake can't fix. food for the soul - i get that now.

ahhhhh......it's the final quarter of the final year of the very last time i'll ever be in dental school....

i haven't written in a very long time, but i've been busy. or rather, i took a small writer's vacation. as a result, i will be a little rusty, not having made the time to practice the craft, but other than this i don't have many creative outlets anymore. dental school sucks up all of my time and my thinking hours, and even creeps up in my REM mode, which is just an jarring example of how much it permeates my life these days.

but actually, i have been busy. i'm ENGAGED! to a darling dear dear cute boy todd, who is in my dental class. most of you already know this. this was in august. this happened in august, over a sumptuous 7-course gourmet meal which todd crafted and designed and executed himself...i'll have to write about that later. this is just a time for a quick overview. the summer - was spent working in the emergency department at school, and writing dental board exams...with todd flying back and forth between here and his home. we were also doing mounds and mounds of applications for residencies in the states - todd was accepted into orthodontics in october (we're gonna be in the states for the next two years!), and i interviewed for a few different programs a little while ago, so we're waiting to hear about that too. my brother started a master's program in engineering, my dad had a stroke in late august (he's doing much better now), we started a really stressful year in school, i spent my first christmas apart from my family, i had a great christmas with todd and his family on the wet coast, and after what seemed like a year of non-stop go-go-go, we're now into the last few months of school. whew. right now i kind of feel like one of those wet, electrocuted test rats...kind of raw, kind of tired, a bit dazed and zombied-out. today we woke up 10 minutes before our first class of the year. it usually takes me 10 minutes to wipe the sleepy crusty eye poo from my eyes. oral surgery. it's just a class you do not want to be late for, because 1) it is an important class (and a good one), 2) you sit in the last row if you are late (not good for this class), 3) your absence is mentally noted by a professor who probably has a very good mental memory. so, we threw on whatever was around, i couldn't shower (a good day for me starts with a shower), i was hungry, cold, grumpy, i threw on some face powder while crossing the parking lot next to our building, shoved some gum in my mouth to combat morning breath, and went to class feeling like a gross, stinky, member of the unwashed mass.

professional effort: A+
professional skill: pretty good i hope
personal hygiene: the pits.

ahhhhhhhhh clinic almost over

AH! my first free morning in a long time. i knew i didn't have a patient this morning - i was supposed to have had my paired denture case in today, but my partner, laurie, is sick with the flu, so it was the perfect excuse to take the morning off. yay! i know we're supposed to be making progress in leaps and bounds, but sometimes i just LOVE slacking off (a little bit). so, for breakfast, instead of my usual vector with milk and grapefruit and yogurt, i had leftover vietnamese food (yes, DEEP FRIED SPRING ROLLS!), some exquisite chocolate, and to counter the bad effects of those things, i decided to top it off with some green tea...(i know it doesn't actually work this way, but don't burst my bubble now). even now, i'm searching the fridge with my mind for any other sweet, fatty things to eat...(i could put in some buffalo wings and nuggets in the oven, but that's too much work for 9 am).

well, todd's friend dennis (aka chunder swirl fudge sundae banana cream pie something-or-other - that's his nickname, apparently) came to london for 2 weeks. he's in med school, and did an elective here in radiology. i thought "ah! this is the time to find out about 'vancouver todd'" since i only know 'london todd' and interrogated dennis for some deep dark hidden secrets ("so......what's todd REALLY like? what's the craziest thing he's done? is todd the boob of your group of friends back in van?") only to find out that todd really is the sweet/smart/funny/caring thing he is (otherwise, vancouver friendship bonds fun unfathomnably deep) ;p

we had a great weekend in toronto - took dennis to the city and did some sightseeing and some major eating (well, i do major eating wherever i go) - a mini road trip in todd's white wagon...unfortunately, we came back without the wagon, and took a rented sunfire instead...we were leaving todd's uncle and aunt's place in sunday morning, just stepped out onto the highway, when the wagon started making some very unhappy sounds (RATTLE! CLICK CLICK CLICK WHIRR!!!!! GET ME OFF THIS HIGHWAY!)...and we hadn't even travelled a major street when we had to slowly veer off the highway onto a shoulder, whereupon todd and dennis got out and did some oil checking in the bitter cold (i'm allowed to stay in the car cause i'm a girl - but not a girl that doesn't know anything about engines. in fact, i can change oil and tires and i know what cylinders are. yay!). somehow, at about 30 kph, we made it to a gas station, and then had to go right where we had started that morning...anyway, after an entire week of todd's uncle bringing the car here and there and to various experts and finally a car-horse whisperer named desmon or wesmon in a secret little unit in the middle of an industrial park, trying to revive that poor little wagon with transmission cardia arrhythmia, it was declared defunct beyond belief and we had to say goodbye to the car...hopefully its parts will live in some other car. you know, parts, kind of like organs. (i'm getting melodramatic).

anyway, i took (dragged? forced? coerced?) todd the next weekend to toronto again - a mini weekend away from school for us, this time to a ballet....the national ballet was doing madame butterfly and desir (james kudelka's ballet). you see, it wasn't really self-serving, dragging a boy to the ballet - todd mentioned (perhaps briefly!) that he had wanted to experience the symphony and the opera and the ballet, and this particular tale is quite captivating and emotional, and its rather a story that everyone knows in some form or another (the musical Miss Saigon is rather similar too), so i thought it might be a fun experience. we also went to the CN tower (you're always convinced its going to fall over on the day you go up the thing) and settled in for some oysters at rodney's. of course, we ended the weekend with creme brulee at my favourite place, brassaii, where we sat in front of the warmly lit open-concept kitchen and watched rack upon rack of lamb emerge amongst the confusion of waiters (is this my lamb? who ordered lamb? is it supposed to be on a rack? where's my soup? what's taking so long? are they growing a lamb as we speak?)...oh, and as long as i'm talking about food, we dropped in on todd's uncle again, to finalize the burial and dismemberment of the wagon, and perhaps as consolation, frank took us to the montreal deli, where we scarfed down these HUGE sandwiches. i think i like bigs foods. big sandwiches. big macs. biggie fries. it's what staves off the hunger between those micro portions you get at high-end culinary eateries....

school's been alright...i was sort of freaking out a little while ago, but it all boiled down to....i could work under stress for the next month and never see home or do anything and possibly do shoddy work and perhaps not make a deadline for final impressions, or i could relax, take it easy, set up the work such that it would be done well in september, and that's what i've decided to do. there's also the element of booking cubicles, and that is a big x factor that is quite out of my hands sometimes, and i can't rely on the system to have certain cubicles when i need them, so that's another reason why i've slowed down. in the meanwhile, hopefully i can prepare things such that they'll be ready to start in september, and focus on doing other requirements, such as operative surfaces.

march break soon. yay! can't wait. i need a break. i got a position to work in the emergency clinic at school this summer...i think it will be interesting. there's a bit of a hulabaloo about which portion of the summer people want to work in. there's about 8 of us in total, and half of us are to work in the first half, the other four in the second half. and people are going away, certain people do not want to work with other particular people, and so we'll see who actually works when this summer.

well, todd went so so so so above and beyond AGAIN for valentine's day...remember when he showed up at my door on christmas? well, this easter weekend, he is taking me to New York! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!! seriously, it's just too much! can you believe it? i can't believe it! oh man....i had mentioned that my favourite play, the glass menagerie was playing in toronto, and he had this little powerpoint presentation set up on valentine's day, and i thought we were going to toronto to see the play there...but NO! we are gong to see the play in new york! and christian slater and jessica lange are in it...that is just amazing. i didn't even know it was playing in new york...we are really excited and last night we went through a few new york books that darren lent to us...new york for tourists (blech), cheap thrills in new york (i'm not sure that anything in new york is cheap), and the "not for tourists" guide to new york. i absolutely cannot wait, i know it's going to be a great, amazing, superlative weekend!

so, i should be heading off to school now. checking some braces this afternoon, an hour of lecture before that. what a nice morning....a nice slow morning for a change...some good news today from an old high school friend - jason (we always knew he was going to become president. he's desk officer for sudan at the U.S. department of state right now) got engaged recently. i love hearing news like that. i remember in grade 6 we all wanted to wear his red jacket, cause he was one of the cute boys at school....aahahahhhhahaaaaaaa!!!! anyway. time for some skooool.......boooooooooooooooooooooo....

sitting in weldon studying. i'm taking a creative break. i remember writing medical school application essays a few years ago, and mcmaster had this one question "how do you know when you know enough?" and although it seemed a stupid and esoteric question that could be answered in an equally stupid and esoteric manner, involving in your answer the nature of knowledge, and nature of scholarship, and the true divining essence of selfhood and equine behaviour (yes, i do in fact mean horse psychology) (or one could have just written "when you know the answer, stupid")....i find that while i'm studying for perio right now, i'm asking myself that question. how do i know what i know? how do i know that i know it to the extent that i need to, or want to know it? and the same time, i wish i could be doing other things right now! and it's easy to say - fine, go do them - but there is a responsibility to know this stuff. life, i know, does not always come up roses, but it's mainly about how you deal with what's in front of you. the manner in which you approach an uninspiring situation (for instance, with good humor) will dictate how everything turns out, influence those around you, and how you reflect upon the time that has passed. anyway. back to gingival surgeries. hopefully i'll have some funny things to write about soon, when perio is over. oh wait....actually, yesterday, i was stuck in a toilet stall for a really really long time cause i forgot the check whether the stall had toilet paper, and very unfortunately, it didn't have toilet paper, so i waited....waited....waited....and finally when someone came into the bathroom (it was late, the library was empty)...i had to ask a total stranger, through a wall stall, for toilet paper. and that, my friends, sums up my day at the library yesterday! ahahahhhhhahahaaa!!!! friends, don't forget to check the stall for paper!!!!

once in a while, when i feel like i need to write here, it's cause there are many things on my my mind. not bad things, or worrisome things in an absolute absolute sense - i mean, if i took myself too seriously, i would probably be in a terrible mood a lot of the time - but little things that accumulate because they don't get resolved (not really because of my own ineptitude or laziness, but only because of circumstance that is completely independent of me). i don't know. a lot of people around me are getting very cynical and even very emotional about school - being unable to book patients because of a lack of cubicles, requirement worries (technically we have to graduate having done a certain number of each type of procedure), patient worries - a friend of mine very nearly broke into tears today cause she was so frustrated, i guess, at not being able to book a patient. and half of me sympathizes, of course, but a great deal of me is now very determined not to let something like that work me up to the point of tears. forget it. it's not worth it. i'm going to cry at my friend's wedding in july (deb's getting married!), not over some cubicle wait list. (ok, i say that now, watch me cry when they tell me i have to stay an extra year to finish dental school..... aahahahhahhhahahahahaha!!! anyway, the class seems to be in a general state of not very happy, or at least, hardened indifference with overlying sentiments of realizing how ridiculous things can get, with extremes of happy-go-lucky and sheer terror. i'm a happy medium, i guess, with undertones of philosophical and a general need for junk food to keep going. we're tired, i think. mostly, everyone's looking forward to spring break.

on the other hand, i wish i could really get going on some of my patients. there's a particular case i really wish i could do something about, right now. this patient came in yesterday and very nearly received a consultation from every specialty discipline and every general practitioner on the floor, and so far there have been about 6 hours of treatment planning for this patient. the case is, according to the experts at our school, very complex, but the patient's situation is unfortunate and very particular and there are many issues at hand that need to be met, at least half way. particularly unfortunate was the way in which this patient lost a few of his/her teeth, which was by an unlucky accident a little while ago, and it was because of that fall, i think, that really created this whole conundrum of what to do now. the instructors working with this case are being very sympathetic, and are really thinking about what the best thing to do for this patient. i'm emphasizing "thinking". one professor said he couldn't stop thinking about it all night, and i was particularly impressed to hear that. even surprised, i guess, because with such a large student to teacher ratio in a profession that is very practical and hands-on, it's easy to feel like you don't have enough feedback, criticism (well, actually...), instruction. it's a difficult situation, i guess, dental schools in general. anyway, we'll see what happens.

been sick most of the week. it's amazing how unspirited and lifeless you feel just because of a lousy cough. i think the milder colds are the viral method of showing us that we're lucky to be generally healthy. what else. i finally have a few hours to sit down and do some work without feeling extremely tired. my patient canceled this afternoon, which is why i have this heavenly luxury of a few more hours...

so, life goes on without me in toronto. (as if!). friends are going to winterlicious, which is just this great thing that happens twice per annum (winterlicious, summerlicious), where the top notch restaurants serve the dirty masses nice thrice and five-coursed meals for a measly 20 bucks...unfortunately, i don't think susur participates, but i could be wrong. katharine's birthday next week, which i've been missing on a yearly basis (i'll try to make it, guys) cause of dental obligations...i know this seems stupid, but i have the biggest craving for spaghetti right now, ever since i had it in the hospital cafeteria yesterday. and todd remains as sweet as ever. he's wearing his candy-cane striped shirt today, which always reminds me of christmas.

time to do some work.

another week over....hand me a beer, man. aaaaaaaaaargh. i seriously wish i could describe to you my patient pool (it's like describing the most extreme personalities in your old high school class...you know, the kids you liked, the kids that annoyed the hell out of you, the kids who pushed you into lockers (of course, that never happened to me, except that some of my friends thought it was cute that i could fit into a locker - i actually stepped into one willingly to demonstrate aahahahhhahaaa!!!!), the kids you were deathly afraid of, the demanding kids and the high maintenance kids who probably whiten their teeth today with whitestrips...

speaking of lockers, the one memory i have of high school that always cracks me up is the time pier van tijn and paul something and brian cho put parmesan cheese into the locker of some poor chap they didn't like, and then they BOUND his LOCK with MASKING TAPE! AaaaaaaahahhhhhahhHhhahhahaahah!!! oh man....that's one practical joke i HAVE to play on someone sometime soon. i'm just ITCHING TO DO IT!

i'm procrastinating....we've got a midterm on tuesday, and a big perio thing coming up, but todd's out with some friends, and now i'm doing stuff that really should be done when any type of human interaction can be avoided. you know, like girls have rituals when it comes to skin maintenance and stuff like that, and at the present moment i have the stinkiest, ugliest looking face mask (peel-off type) on, and the reason it stinks is because it has some incredible brown concoction of ginseng in it, and supposedly it's good for you. i think i'm becoming slightly obsessed with anti-wrinkle serums. was walking through the bay with todd today and i saw the estee lauder counter and suddenly it dawned on me that i was getting old and decrepit, and that a 60 mL bottle of "idealist" (56% more effective than microdermabrasion!) would probably do the trick. asked todd if he thought i needed to actively engage in a rigorous antiwrinkle program, and i think he looked at me as if i were crazy. and then his eyes glazed over with boredom a cause de the endless arrays of bottles of moisturizer and perfecting creams....until he saw the counter of men's cologne and suddenly he became very in touch with the world again.... ;p haahhaahaa!

anyway, i finished an OD appointment with a patient this week who is going for in-chair whitening and veneers and crowns, so i'm pretty excited about that. there is this "studio for aesthetic dentistry" in toronto that i've been salivating over ever since i saw it on my way to school....the interior of the office was designed by yabu pushelberg, who did the interiors for places like tiffany's and the restaurant tundra, i believe. anyway, an amazing design team/firm. the operatories inside this office are CIRCULAR and look absolutely heavenly. very spa-like.

i'm beginning to really like oral radiology. i've always been really attracted to the quirkier aspects of any profession - such as, the curriculum development in public education, the literary critic aspect of the noble profession of writing, i've always wanted to be a food critic (with a pen name like "Cynthia Wine" or "Honey Borscht" or "Ivanna Eat-Steak" - yes, that is a hyphenated last name), i've wanted to be a director of massive broadway musical productions. i think what i like about radiology is that you have all of these puzzle pieces - or a puzzle piece, i guess, and other clues from medical histories and dental histories, and it's up to you to zen, or zero in, by a combination of your experience and knowledge - and maybe gut instinct - what you are looking at radiographically. it might be a slightly lonelier aspect of the profession - looking at black and whites and computer images for a great part of the day, but i think i have no trouble amusing myself (i'm known to laugh at my own private jokes. apparently, i think i am very funny).

ok, i think i need to write more...sloppy sloppy form. ok. back to work. last night i made low-fat chocolate chip cookies. warning: don't bother making low-fat chocolate chip cookies. it's not worth it. USE BUTTER. it's a waste of chocolate chips otherwise. LOTS OF BUTTER!!!!!!!! whoever thought of using corn syrup and small amounts of vegetable oils (rose reisman, without naming any names, in her low-fat book, divine indulgences) and low fat sour cream and yogurt as a substitute for the best ever product made in this world, BUTTER, if insane. (will i get sued for this? i hope it's not really slander or anything like that). the only product that comes close to butter as a rival, would be, i think, maple syrup. maple syrup should just be drizzled on everything, ESPECIALLY scrambled eggs.

i feel that i am digressing too much, and it's time to get some biomaterials done.... :(