sigh. trying to get some work done.

hmmm.

recent events of this past weekend have got me thinkin'...(tinkin' about thou...)(someone once wrote that to me and i thought i was in love with him. it was total infatuation and i still think about him rarely. anyway.). i know i've oft been writing about the 22 different sides of people. and that still fascinates me. when i was back in trinity, me and my good friend "Y-Wong" would always lie parallel on my wooden, dilapidated bed in st. hilda's after stuffing ourselves with apple crumble in strachan hall, listen to our favorite boys II men song over and over (i had the remote to my stereo then, i have no idea where it is now - it might be in montreal. anyway), and ruminate (physically and conversationally) about how difficult it was to be....geeky achievers and still...maintain some semblance of social cool. i mean, in retrospect, it wasn't that difficult. and really, it's not something to really think about. you could think about it forever and it wouldn't matter, and really, you just gotta do what you think is important. anyway. we ended up clubbing almost every weekend, sometimes thursday, friday, and saturday (never the sabbath, that was recovery and homework day). We made it to every formal with dates, fitting in numerous trips to rol san for the same three dishes to be shared among the froshie k-klub of the time, we found transient and futile and presently utterly worthless boyfriends, there was time for romance and even fighting between boys over girls, and girls crying over guys, there was time for roaming around robarts in our gowns and on the ttc with other trin kids in our gowns for various meetings, me and Y-Wong even spent a night at McDonald's the day before a major physics midterm...and despite all the playing, all the frivolous fun and nights that we knew we were moonlighting as girls without homework and without a major and without a degree to complete, i think we all knew that at our core, was something more knowing and encompassing. and it's so strange, or maybe it isn't...that for instance, you could have the greatest looking CV ever, full of promising hope and the object of every mother-in-law's dreams (line up your sons, WOMEN!) and at the same time, you could spend 4 hours in a club in the tightest and shortest and sheerest things ever and emerge at the end of the night unscarred and unmarred and without a dent - such that the next day, it would be so easy to dissociate your former, temporary self and any attached experiences with the present, more conventional, every day self. One person has so many capabilities, and others play all roles extremely well.

it's like you do all these things - like wear things you can't wear to church, think bad thoughts, occasionally (or frequently, depending on who you are) skip class, say stupid things before you can think to take it back, say things you wouldn't ordinarily say, do things you ordinarily wouldn't do - and still, you can have this inner core that tells you that you aren't the sum of your actions, and that there is a strong foundation that...centers you. that must be totally incomprehensible. well, here's an analogy. it's from the movie center stage, one of those campy dance movies that came out some summers ago. anyway, there's this girl who is sort of ruff and tuff on the outside, but really, she has great technique. like, she gets invited into the company at the end of the movie. yay! but she's trying to practice for this role and her arms are flailing about and she sucks and can't get this movement quite right, and the ballet mistress tells her that when she gets all confused and out of whack and crazy...that all she has to do is return to the barre, which is how dancers start every class and where they start their training. see, it's like going back to square one.

anyway, i can't remember why i wrote this in the first place. i think what i feel is that...i'm back at square one right now. it's like i built myself a huge network of things and suddenly i had to just drop my end. and i'm a little reluctant to pick up a new end...a little tired, a little weary. i've had some major changes in my life, without really realizing how it would impact me. i didn't think much of the changes, and now it seems like they're catching up with me. it would be nice to take some time - which is what i'm doing now, and it's difficult to do when you have to keep up with a pace, and deal with everyday crap - to just think about how much my life has changed within the last few months. i have new responsibilities, new obligations, new pressures and a different environment.

you know, it really does not do well to think too much. really, ruminations like these come when you have a little bit of too much extra time...by this time tomorrow i'll probably look at this and think how terribly infantile the entry was...read it while it's up...