i've been sorta examining the way i've been interacting with people lately, and my conclusion is that studying for 14 exams-written-and-drilled-in-three-weeks makes me boring and irritable. i have absolutely nothing to say except to complain about exams (or recount the affable nature of benign oral tumors), and i'm noticing a slightly irritated, on-the-verge-of-defensive way about myself...i'm tired, and i feel really high strung, whatever that means, but i imagine that it means that i'm some spindly kind of creature, wrapped up in a cardigan, homemother/dean-type of a college for women. you know, that type. kind of like, the schoolmarm of Kingport Ladies College from Anne of Green Gables, Part deux. hmm...how to get out of this rut...BREAK OUT THE SEXY BCBG SHOES I JUST BOUGHT! YEAH! seriously, this year, i felt (and dressed) like a nondescript student, and gosh darn it if my name isn't bethuselah i'm going to wear flowered pretty dresses all summer. i'm gonna be frivolous and pink and frilly and lacy and vamped up three inches at least. i think i remember how to have fun.

on the honest side of things, i believe that my brain is fried. i'm reading all this material, and my head just isn't in it. i can read it, and understand it, but i'm not sure how much is going in...now i really know what people mean when they say they need a holiday, because before this, i never thought i would actually "need" a holiday...

writing the american boards (which means, studying for most of what's left of may, june, and some of july) is seeming more and more like a bad idea. i'm going to be in london for a lot of the summer, and i'm thinking it's not such a good idea. i'm staying when i know, internally, what i need is to see something COMPLETELY and utterly different. like korea. or italy. or france, but this time, i won't eat at mcdonald's so much. i've done something academic for every single summer that i can remember, and i've never had a real white-sands-cuban-hotel holiday! i've never been to disneyland! even way back in elementary school, i took summer school in the summer while all my friends played, and when my high school friends played i was taking three separate theory and harmony and history courses and completing my piano requirements at the same time...and when my university friends went to europe i opted to do medical research...come to think of it, i don't think i could even sit on a beach for that long. maybe an hour or so, but then i'd probably pick up a book. or write one. i've always been telling people to go out and do fun things completely opposite from what they normally do, and i think it's time to follow my own advice.