sigh....it's exam time again for dental students, and for most university students everywhere and universally, stress-out time, chocolate time, over-eating time, and complaining time.

i feel like this year, i feel the stress of exams in a much different way. in some ways, in a more harsher, brutal form, and then again, with some wisdom - because i know exams aren't everything and the be all and end all of things, and i know i'll pull through, because i always have, for the last decade, at least. i don't know why i'm feeling such stress - and it was just really today that i felt it - and sometimes i just want to walk away from school and studying. Who doesn't! i suppose i'm in the same boat with everyone, but...i don't know. you know the insanity of it all. you don't know exactly what you're gonna do, where you want to be in a few years, and it feels like there's so little time, and still so much do to, even after carrying on in stellar fashion for so long. there's no rest! i wish i could be an expert in something right NOW. okay, enough of this rambling about. let me make of list of thoughts that are bothering me:

1. i'm studying day and night when i wish i could be reading philosophy, watching scrubs once a week, enjoying conversation with my friends over great dinners, being with family, talking to friends about things other than dentistry.
2. i hate memorizing. i can learn things, but it takes time, so i hate sitting down and memorizing things that are truly theoretical to us, and we haven't really had the advantage of putting things into practice or application - wth real patients or mock cases.
3. exams are a numbers game. whether i get a 78 or a 98, i feel, a lot of the time, that it is entirely by fluke a lot of the time, and really, since it was only memorization in the first place (i learn by reading, doing, and thinking), it won't last unless i read read read continue reading it for long after. which i don't have time for, all the time.
4. i've done a degree, and this is my second degree. i know people have done tonnes of degrees and tonnes of advanced education and harder stuff than this, but how much more do i have to do! i really want to do the academic thing - study my entire life - but this type of stress gets to me. you know, i don't mind it all - the board exams, the exams, the practicals worth a lot, the second year-stress-test, and really i should just study more all the time so i don't do this intensive thing near exams (which i would do regardless, i'm guessing), but the thought of all the things that i could do - like GPRs, specialize, - and the thought of my fears - where will i work, will i ever be out of debt, will i have my own practice? who would hire a new grad anyway? sometimes makes me want to just stop and "enjoy life", but then i realize that enjoying life is doing all this stuff. making the most of it, doing everything to your greatest potential and threshold. and i realize that i'm blessed and lucky to me here. i hate to do well, and make my best effort, just because i've been given this opportunity, not for any other reason.

this exam period has been putting me into a kind of a robot mode, where i don't think of people as people but just other robots out there, robots to reflect off of and do daily inane interactions with, but in class today, one of my professors showed me just how human she was - displayed the depth of her feelings and wishes and disappointment with such an absence of contempt, with a welling of pain - and with such honesty that i was extremely moved. i have such high respect for her, i always did, but even more now for openly addressing her issues with us. i think i should be careful of what exactly i write (no details here) - i just wanted to share that integrity and passion and humanity and great character isn't only shown by victories, but by how you carry on during times of pressure, during times of not so good times, how you deal with adversity. it is always very unfortunate when stupid things, like rumors, or things that are a result of other people's indiscretion, can marr and be such a handicap for really great people with the best of intentions.

anyway, i still look forward to christmas holidays - and what i want to do more than anything else is go carolling and sing christmas carols....i haven't ever really wanted to do that before - and i also want to go see the annual handel hallelujah performance at roy thompson. i need music for the soul. nite.