it turned cold today, suddenly - and after a pretty full day of classes, a partial evening of study and festooning, i went to krista's to catch scrubs and we did the full bangkok pad thai and (get this!) PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE thing....yay! i went trudging home in the cold, ready for a hot bath and a good warm sleep before the onslaught of drilling i must do tomorrow - not to a toasty apartment, but to a chilly one (didn't think too much of it, except "curses to my landlord!") but when i put down my stuff, and walked into my bedroom, my large blind was clanging, something was amiss...and i realized that the incredibly large window had cracked, dislodged, there were shards on the ground, and there was the source of the cool cool draft...

so the window will get fixed tomorrow, and i'll just spend the night on my couch, but before all that was decided, this is what happened. it's kind of stupid, it's kind of scary, but that's what happens when you fly solo. so, i see that my window's broken, and then, the next instant, i get a telephone call. One ring, and then a hang-up, before i even reach the phone. a minute later, another call. this time, i pick up on the first ring, say hello? hello?, but no one answers. i listen on the phone, no one says anything, i don't think i hear anything breathing, but 20 seconds later, the line goes click, and there goes the busy signal. and again, a minute later, the same thing happens, except i pick up the phone, i don't say anything. i listen, then say hello, but only once. and then click. and the call is untraceable. anyway, i search my mind for what to do. so, i go back into my bedroom, i check under my bed, i check my closet (don't ask me for what, i guess a person or something), i check all closets in the rest of my place, under the couch, on the balcony...anyway, nothing. it's hard to think of who might call me cause various people - from here, from home, from family - call me often. lots of credit card solicitors too. anyway, there was my reminder of fear and mortality for today. turns out, long story short, that my mom was trying out the long distance card she bought (thus the untraceable), and realized that with 800 minutes, with each few seconds of a phone call she placed, she was left with 680 minutes, 660 minutes, 620 minutes...etc. and was thus wondering why her "no connection fee" card was deducting so many minutes. i'm not so sure why she didn't say anything when i answered, or if she heard that at all. anyway. lots of other reminders of mortality. pathology class is always a reminder of mortality - what with all the congestive pulmonary disease and environmental toxins and such causing minimata disease. it was remembrance day the day before, and daryl in our class, during the middle of removable class, pronounced a minute of silence and went on to the most infamous poem of that day. there was a special vigil for the murdered students of that university in Quebec yesterday.
hmm....it's getting quite chilly, even with my bedroom door closed and old clothing stuffed under the door. final exams are near, or maybe not so near, but all i know, is that within the next few weeks, it's such a short time to study, but there's still so much to do besides studying. it's been a distracting year so far. some of the distractions are good, and these good distractions have, i think, given me more wisdom, and more understanding, and the desire to stay focussed. but at the same time, sometimes the high road is the lonely road, and you wonder why certain people do or say the things they do, how easy it is to forget that we're all so human, each fragile in different ways, be ignorant of sensitivities that we know or don't know about. it's hard to always be gracious, to give the benefit of the doubt, to show love when it is just as easy to be impatient, or to turn away, or to act immaturely and take it all for granted. In these times, i wish it were more well known, or constantly realized that life is so brief, and each moment is a moment where your heart miraculously pumps. each moment is an opportunity for you to do something constructive, say something positive, boost someone up - and at the same time, each moment is not meant for you to be doing something actively, engaged, all the time, but instead, you can think.
one thing i've been thinking about for the past while (and lots of whiles before that) is what kind of "accomplishments" i want to have by the time i - kick the bucket. last night i made a list of my accomplishments, and then a list of goals. so i don't know if this is good or bad, but my accomplishments read like a regular cv - projects, degrees, scholarships, research, publications, volunteer, etc etc - a long list of things i had done, accomplished. and my list of goals - at first, the ones i could think of off the top of my head, were academically-related. things to do, within the next decade, perhaps. is that bad? is that too short sighted? so i thought about that, then i started to list things like travel, read more, write lots, start a school/teaching kind of a center, for academics and music...lil and i had sometimes dreamed of a production company/arts school for putting on huge works, or starting an company solely for the production of highly specialized presentations....stuff like that. or doing things of a service-related nature, or in a teaching capacity. i don't know. i'm was pretty unsatisfied with that list. a whole long list of have-dones, and a short short list of do-to's, mostly for self-advancement. i think that is a good thing to think about, if you haven't already. do your goals have humanity in mind? do you reach for them with true, honest, intent? humility? cause if you don't, it becomes increasingly transparent, and in that way, i feel a lot of disappointment towards others. and if i feel that, i have to examine my own life, and make sure i'm not being a hypocrite (i have no idea if that e belongs there). i don't know, now i'm just lecturing, probably cause i'm tired, which is no good, so i'll stop. when you're awake for so long out of each day, you see and hear a lot of things.

anyway, it's time for a refreshingly cool sleep. nite.