you know, this was probably the worst - and the best - week i've had...maybe during my entire...i don't know, school career, life.

but today, i happened to decide, after having decided already decided to drill in the afternoon, and study and do work all night - to go a fellowship meeting. it wasn't the usual itinerary, i was told, and that peaked my interest. my experience of fellowship programs has not been stellar, mostly because when i was young and too foolish for comprehension, older kids around me spoke in superlatives that i could not relate to, and i could not bring myself to spew out things i didn't quite understand (i can only talk about things i know, i've discovered, and i've learned to intelligently theorize) - and me, unburdened, untouched by examples of sacrifice and love and suffering (i mean, it was around, but i didn't know the impossible depth of it) - could not understand why people cried during prayer, what on earth possessed them to do so.

i understand now. i don't know if it is because of age, the accumulation of wisdom, experience, the people around me, the things i've done in life so far...but i've reached a point in my life where being a smarty pants, a good girl, and everyone's acquaintance and friend, with resolutions to do only good things, philothranpic things - is simply not enough. my whole life context has changed.

i've thought this before, but i was never so sure before - that all of God's creations are beautiful. Today, this boy (i mean, yeah, i'm probably older than him), gave a testimonial at the fellowship meeting. The thing is, he looks like one of those funny, carefree types of guys who maybe plays video games and plays practical jokes on his friends and salivates over cars like a lot of guys do...and i was ready to listen to 10 minutes of an ably-told story of how he was changed. but a few sentences into his testimonial, and i was - blown away. first of all, he was incredibly funny. he was self-deprecating. and this person, this "oh man, i'm so sure he's really immature and he probably only reads video gaming and car & driver" - recited the first few lines from the song of solomon - and i was so moved to hear him recite this with an eloquence that befits theatre actors - without rushing, without embarrassment that he was reading something so poetic - and his whole testimonial was entirely poetic, heartfelt, poignant and funny. there was phrasing, there was breath - it was like a prayer. i know it seems that i'm only impressed by his literatary-inclination, but what i really felt was that the depth of his faith and belief allowed such beautiful expression from this unassuming persona. i don't know this person, i heard him speak for only 10 minutes at best, and yet he's give me such an enormous sense that faith can manifest itself in so many strange and unexpected ways. he said he kind of discovered this "spiked" section of the bible - as i did, several years ago - i don't know, i just have a soft spot for appreciation of literature, poetry, words.

i suppose one the main reasons i love studying literature is because of the "intertextual" connections you can make. things refer to each other, indirectly, secretly, subtly, and slowly you can connect the dots all over the many pages, and understand an entire text all at once, the entire thing, simultaneously. it's as if you hold the essence of the book in the palm of your hand, and whatever strikes you is flash-branded. i've been noticing, lately, clues and signs in my life lately - i KNOW they were not there before - and i'm so excited, cause it's like reading - you wait for adventure and revelation to unfold, you hold on to mystery pieces and make connections when the story is ready to unravel itself. Uncanny, as genevieve would say.

signs, signals, and clues: this guy from toronto led the small group session - and he said something (well, lots of things) that caught my attention. firstly, he was talking a bit about prophecy, and somehow it led to - it's hard to explain, but basically it was only true somethings (i can't remember the word, it was so fitting) offer encouragement and comfort. my week, as i said above, was terrible. for reasons i won't go into, i ended up crying two nights in a row, my entire days were spent in a kind of weary-wary state, to the point i wished i had never came here, and wanted to go home. i couldn't why certain things were happening, i mean - like why?!, i was beginning to doubt a friendship, i was tired, i missed my family. i knew i could only work through everything; that's the thing about responsibility. but i got a letter today. my friend just wrote me a letter - now that i'm up here, and not down there as often, she writes letters to me, sporadically - and this one was decorated with barbie stickers (shiny ones!), and has always been someone, throughout my entire knowing her, who has only said nice things to be, encouraged me, and showers me with compliments that i do not deserve, or am downright humbled to even be associated with. you don't know who she is, so it's okay if i share it. she wrote "you are so smart, but humble, you don't let anything change your character and i think the very core of you exudes a beautiful confidence that is womanly and strong! you have a quiet sense of calmness - i can't imagine you being petty or panicked...are you always so self-assured?". she took english courses in undergrad, and did a masters in it, you can tell. she wrote when i needed it most, and i can't even express how wonderful it feels when someone tells you that you're a neat person. and it reminds of how you should be, what you should strive to be. it's only failure when you accept defeat.

anyway, there are clothes in the dryer, there's an essay begging to be written, and sleep to be had. i wish i would paint a picture and make this understandable, but until lugging an easel from Michael's all the way down the street to my place becomes a priority on my to-do list, i can't and i humbly apologize.
nite.