i'm tired of studying! i feel like i've been in school for my entire existence (i have, actually) and that my life's schedule is dictated by the school's sessional calendar...sometimes i freak out about studying, sometimes i break my own tension by doing really stupid things, like pour water on people, but at other times, i have this feeling that somehow everything will be all right and indeed i might actually pass every course...and i study and i study and i study for more security - it's too much of a stressful kind of studying to really enjoy the material - and despite my monk-like assurance of passing from yesterday, on other days i'm absolutly sure that i'll fail and prepare myself for an alternate career path, mentally.

i think what i do not like is that (as disgusting as this sounds) i like the intrinsic nature of studying, or achieving scholarship in a field of interest. but when marks and percentages are applied to it and people around me sit like automotons and robots and memorize things fiercely and talk about the minimum percentage one must achieve to get a 60, and the minimum marks one needs to get a 90 in a course, it turns me off of the idea of the whole of school and studying in general - and i start to feel that i don't care what my result it. there are bigger and better things - things larger than life to consider, endless shelves of literature to read, countries to visit - but when i'm whisked back to reality, i know that to get by in the immediate immediate future, i too will need to rack up at least 8 percent to at least get a passing 60% grade.

how shameful it is to think that way! and then there's that thing about how med schools are essentially a pass-fail basis, but dentistry is resigned to achieving very particular scores (there are complicated systems of calculations in this faculty - needing 70 raw marks to get a 60%, 1's and 2's and 3's and 4's and multiplying by your professional score or 0.6 of 0.7 if you did considerable damage to the simulated patient, a 70% final exam in a course most of us have not much of an idea nor an inclination for...perhaps i don't know why such a difference exists - there must be some silly excuse, but i suppose in the long run, it's a good thing for everyone, especially the patient.

hmmm...is there anything fun i did to write about???? not really. i studied. i drilled. i examined skippy the skull. i did get popcorn shoved into my face, but the fun quotient for that was higher on someone else's scale than mine... ;p aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!! actually, it was kind of funny. i can't believe it's the end of the month soon. april went by so fast...

good night so tired.