with an amazing banana galette baking in the oven, it still being light outside (as opposed to a gloomy january, february, or march night) but chilly in april, i feel content, and even a little motivated to look over some oral histology...i plan to eat a good chunk of this banana galette (think of a thin pastry-like thing with a good mound of sliced banana on top, covered with a brown sugar-cinnamon glaze...baked and hot...ready for chocolate ice cream topping....mmmm (drool goes drip drip drip)

which reminds me. yesterday, such an uncharacteristic thing happened!!! it's strange, and i'd rather forget it and extricate it from my being since i would never really associate this act with myself...but i cried and cried for no reason. i'm not crazy (though slightly eccentric i have been called - in a good way, i think), i'm certainly not depressed, and furthermore, there is nothing wrong absolutely at all. school is great, even in the midst of upcoming exams and after a period of "if i don't master amalgam i'm going to fail first year" doubt, i'm in quite a good position percentage-wise, i've got research plans for this summer, my family's o.k. and i've got great friends here and there and far away...there are happy things around me everywhere, all the time. and for as long as i can remember, i've always been the most emotionally stable person out of any circle of friends, maybe sometimes unfazed, or poker-faced...like a wise, boring, old man.

so i can't quite rationalize it...and if i tried to, perhaps i would say that i do not tend to publicly vent my frustrations, or take my moods out on other people. and, in addition, i would take into consideration that operative dentistry was worrying me until my last test, i wasn't sleeping very much, and when i was, it was as if i went to bed with anatomy or some subject or some thought of "i need to do such and such things tomorrow" and when i woke up, the thought was still there, as if i hadn't slept at all...a single blink of a sleep. and i didn't give myself any "me" time. i know that sounds stupid. but every single moment of the day, i felt like i was with someone or doing something, which i liked, but at the same time, i have this annoying reflective side whereby i need to think about things, or at least, debrief the day's events. meaning: private diary has sparse entries for the last few...months! which seems irreconcilable with my previous paragraph, where i tell you that everything is great...hmmm...i hope this doesn't mean that worrying leads to positive result. that would, uh, suck ass (proverbially speaking, of course).

ah!!!!! banana galette odor should replace all stinky odors. stinky odors should all be banana galette. anyway, feeling tired and a little raw, and then irritated, i went home yesterday after biophysics. and then i started to do a histology drawing. and then i started to think about nothing, and everything at the same time. it's amazing, how many factors you cannot control, and how many things you do not know, and yet, you cope and exist and live (it's like that margaret atwood poem i posted a little while ago). and i guess suddenly i felt very...it's hard to describe. if it were medical it would be termed "general malaise" but i guess it was just a combination of dissatisfaction, general wondering of what-am-i-doing, disappointment, fatigue, a general beat-up feeling, something tearing at me...and as my fingers are rather delicate, instead of punching a wall, my greater petrosol nerve sent parasympathetic stimuli to my lacrimal gland and a complex solution or ions and antibodies and proteins went flying from from laterally-located conjunctival sac to my puncta, canaliculi, nasolacrimal ducts....three different times!!! i cried, then i stopped. a friend came to eat fruit flan, and i cried. two friends brought me chocolate ice cream, i cried. it's so stupid! i even had a nightmare - in it, i cried - and couldn't get back to sleep at 5 in the morning, after i couldn't get to sleep that same night until 1 in the morning. ARGH!!!

that was such a crazy, weirdo night. and as i'm writing this, it doesn't quite feel like i'm describing me. i'm quite puzzled by it too, a little baffled, and probably my friends are as well...(sheepish look on my face - sorry). anyway, it was embarrassing, writing about it is embarrassing, but it's an interesting examination of the range and utter complexity of human emotion and manifestation.

in it's most simplest terms, perhaps it's just the natural balance to all the times i laugh about nothing, like funny words such as "crypt"...
my banana galette is the coolest thing ever.

hahahahahahaaaa!!!!!