first full day back, and i'm still sleep deprived, my muscles ache and ache, and my back is still hurting. and i'm STILL doing school-related things! sigh....

everyone leaves my house by 8 or 9 - they're all "working cows", which is the favorite expression aroudn my house at the moment for money-earning people. makes me a "milk drinker"...hahah!!!! my family is full of really tryptic cryptic airy-associative things...so, i woke up to an empty house, and i needed to DO something. all these hours of waking up, eating, and hitting the books mkes me so unsure of what to do with all this free time all of a sudden! anyway, as i probably outlined before, i had a few interviews earlier in the day for some research-y type things (i probably will not end up doing research - my dad suggested just doing nothing! yay! that would be the first summer...EVER), which meant i had to crazy download a few publications by the people i was to meet with, hurriedly memorize some induction pathways, and then aggressively tout my previous publications and experience and blah blah blah in a modest manner blah blah blah....man, it's all second nature to me now, and i really feel i've outgrown this type of stuff. it's time for something new this summer, i've realized. a break, and some travel, i think. anyway, to get on with my day. did a bit of shopping, had a good talk with my dentist (class 2 - almost - miller on my 5's! aaaah! periodontist time), and THEN, ladies and gentlemen, i had the great great super pleasure of hearing live music for the first time in SUCH a long time...

i have to tell you, this great performance was preceded by frustration! it was difficult to get through the day. i was still tired, my sleeping is way not back to normal (it's 2:30 am now and i am SO awake), interviews are wearying and long and it's an "i've been around the block i know what to say" kind of a thing, shopping was tiring (but fun), i was getting tired at my dentist's office, i was getting messages all day about changing plans and ya wanna go here's and ya wanna go there's and when are you free, my brother, who claimed my other messiah ticket stood me up for dinner (he had to meet deadlines), and so i dined alone, in a really nice sushi bar, flocked by other cutie couples (short couples) - even one girl who pulled her sweater down OVER her shoulders to reveal bra straps for her punk high-schooler soul mate - all tsoundcheck people having a pre-symphony on fashionable king st...the only other people dining along were the well-dressed middle aged men, who were, undoubtedly, going back to their offices to work late into the night. sigh.

but this performance of handel's messiah was incredible. you should go at least once in your life, because though you think choral performances are boring (i mean, handel is handel, it can get boring from time to time. especially for me, part 1 of the messiah is boring), but the text to this oratorio drawn from the bible, and to hear hundreds of voices and the most sublime strings play music to these words, is something, you really should experience, at least once in your life. it's hard to go to the symphony, especially when school is not in toronto, and i'm missing 4 freakin' years of the best deal available (10 dollar tickets, how can you go wrong. if i were at u of t, i'd go to every concert). so i usually try to go when they're playing something i absolutely LOVE, or sometimes when i need to be uplifted a bit...but anyway, hearing this sound just beats out any old pop crap you hear on the radio, any "song" with the words baby or booty or bang in it. the timbre, the quality of this kind of sound really draws tears from your lacrimal ducts, and if you are able to be moved by this music in this way - draw this kind of meaning from it, to feel this music, then you are truly blessed. it's an undescribable feeling. it's so pure, and your heart literally swells, and you can't do anything but be moved to tears. it's the ultimate expression. we should all be moved like this, everyday. i could even feel it through the conductor's arm movements. i think they truly understand the swelling, cause their arms get all fluid and it's as if the fluidity of his arms are just imbibing the players to convey this with their violins, with their cellos. the first i felt the intensity of music in this way, was, when i attended the tso's performance of mahler's fifth last year. i've bought a few recordings, and none come even close to the dire magic of a live performance. it was an entirely, even painful, experience. i was listening, and i couldn't believe what i was hearing. whenever i'm stuck in london, and i see pettiness, or emptiness, or stupidity, or selfishness, i always think of the richness of that moment...to take me away from it all. why is it so difficult to always think on a higher plane, to rise above it all, to act with respect and compassion and with nobility, integrity? why do people act like jerks and assholes? bewildered. you know, i really think that culture - the arts, literary, philosophic - not necessarily being smart, or knowing a lot of facts, or memorizing - gives a heart and intellect wisdom and appreciation. there are books in this, i know, or at least, there should be. kingwell should write a book on this.

anyway, everyone knows the old refrain from the hallelujah chorus. haaallelujah! haaaallelujah! hallelujah! hallelujah! halleeeeluuuuah!!!!! and on and on. i was so pleased to see so many people come with their own scores to messiah, and the program notes even had the libretto - this oratorio is sung in english. anyway, as i said, all verses are taken straight from the bible, and they are organized in such as way to tell the whole story of the Messiah. i've never studied the Messiah in its entirety - just one section - but as i was reading the score, i came upon a passage that really caught my attention. here it is:

Behold, I tell you a mystery; we shall not all
sleep, but we shall all be chang'd, in a
moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the
last trumpet.
(I Corinthians XV 51-52).

hmm. in the twinkling of an eye. that's just incredible. it gives me faith that that might, and could happen.

home has been great so far. my mom's even taking a day off work tomorrow...which will be spent making the infamous spicy dish of great fame...

aaahhhh....back to so much free time. i should probably try to sleep. nite!