the last few days, maybe 3 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and activity. it's irreconcilable. the emotions i've been feeling lately are so poignant - some are just so wonderful...like digging into roast suckling pig - pure enjoyment, fulfilling sensations, even food to surpass my greater expectations, an overwhelming feeling of happiness and hope and promise. i've been feeling so much more comfort too. sort of like, returning to a feeling of home, i guess. just dazed and amazed. at the same time, there's a sense of loss, somewhere. i can't quite pinpoint it. things are changing. i suppose when things change, there is always a sense of mourning, however nonchalantly you go about daily life. however strong you are. and really, you wouldn't be human if you didn't sense the most subtle losses. it's the loss of nuance that is really the most tragic. i'm being cryptic, aren't i? well, i suppose it's cryptic to me too. life holds unexpected destiny, i think, one you couldn't even possibly imagine - and all in all, you'v got to believe in what you feel and go with it. reason, as we all know, breeds insanity! stated by the smartest guy of our time. and practicality just sucks the life right out of us. i love emotion, tragedy, the dramas of life. i think that's why i love big harold prince musicals so much. but put the realities of clinic and exams (my reality, right now) in there and you've got a recipe for moldy risotto made with crappy kraft parmesan pre-grated cheese fluff instead of a handsome block of asiago. blech! blech!

ah, i don't know what i'm talking about. i suppose i'm in a mixed mood. i think this term, more than anything is a big huge lesson in life management, and should read a billboard with flashing lights: "THIS IS YOUR LIFE! THE TIME IS NOW!" i have never felt that to be more true than now. no more waiting for school to be over. not too much holding back. i'm done with those thoughts of "oh gosh, that's one place i gotta go when i'm a dentist". or "i'm dying to tell him something but i can't. too embarrassed.". forget it! no more! i'm going to say what i think (but with tact)(ugh, there i go again).

ok, i'm done with moody-philosophy. i want to talk about clinic. lately, the biggest problem i've been having is with cancellations. it's not only the time you put in to call, arrange times, set up cubicles for patients...all of that preparation. it's a sense of lost time, i guess. no productivity, which drives me insane. i love to make things. i love to plan things. i love to do things. the anticipation of seeing patients just absolutely thrills me! but when one doesn't show up, whether the reason is (hahaha) "good" or not, it totally brings my mood down...

wish i could have ordered my thoughts a bit more. but it's time to sleep, and i needed to get that out of my system.